Love, a simple word that conjures up a myriad of emotions, definitions, images, expectations, raised passions, tears of joy and happiness. It is a wonderous experience, sublime, giving, rewarding, an eternal comfort blanket.

And yet, a devastating impact when it is taken away, for it then has a negative connotation, measurable perhaps by the value of it, or at least the belief of what it was, the happiness it delivered, its sense of something ethereal. We absorb the emotion so much that it becomes part of who we are, that individual identification and representation to others, perhaps even the level of self-worth. When it disappears, breaks down, nothing but shattered dreams, one can hear the phrase, “why ever did I fall in love’? So calamitous, the subject of a million broken-hearted songs. It is, indeed, hard to rewind, to return to that state of independence, a sense of once again being alone – what is ‘love’ if it’s not a shared understanding. It is almost a de-facto consequence, that being in love persuades one, unconsciously, to give up part of oneself, to tear down walls, to expose the inner soul.

Those intrinsic aspects are not easy to reclaim, which is why, when love fails, the boundaries are sometimes put in place to ensure that being in love will never happen again. The hurt and pain of losing it, too much to bear. And yet, in the words of the poet Tennyson, ‘better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all’. A simple fact that isn’t always easy to consider, but even more relevant when grief becomes the overriding factor, and here once again, the depth of that grief is quantifiable, and qualifiable, by the love that one knew.

It isn’t, of course, only romantic. We love our parents, friends, siblings, pets; relationships where love is part of the dynamic. But loving someone is not the same as being ‘in love’; that is a state of being and perhaps a verb, although it is possible to only, and in some cases falsely, think of the sentiment as a ‘stand-alone’ concept. Youthful innocence, wishful thinking, false hope, any of these can manifest in someone claiming to be ‘in love’ with another without any evidence or tangible results. That unfulfilled emotion will not develop without physical actions to reward and justify the desire, and it thus becomes unrequited.

So, I love my children, unconditionally without exception. It hurts when we ‘have words’, it matters because they are ‘part of me’, my reason for being.
Many times, I have been ‘in love’ with partners – in some cases ‘in’ and ‘out’ with the same person. Is that possible? I think it is; in terms of a couple’s relationship, it has to be more than infatuation, sexual attraction, in fact sexual performance (I’m sure in the ‘heat of the moment’ the phrase “I love you” will have been expressed, not with real intent, rather a verbal assignation to accompany the throes of ecstasy); that being ‘in love’ is determined by the shared values, practices, behaviours, comforts, security. Ultimately the person with whom we are ‘in love’ with must be the shoulder to lean on, the hugs when times are hard, the comfort and reassurance of accepting us ‘warts and all’.

As relationships develop, the ‘in love’ and ‘love’ should become a shared value, seamlessly merging until the ‘one and one’ become ‘two. Ultimately it is something we want to both give, and receive, and in the lyrics of John Lennon (Lennon, 1970)

Love is real
Real is love
Loving is feeling
Feeling love
Love is wanting
To be loved

Love is touch
Touch is love
Love is reaching
Reaching love
Love is asking
To be loved

Love is you
You and me
Love is knowing
We can be

Love is free
Free is love
Love is living
Living love
Love is needing
To be loved

Ultimately, there is no true definition, no definite answer, no pre-determined template. It develops from the meeting of two minds, even more if we consider polyamorous relationships. It succeeds when the participants have an equal, shared, and agreed understanding; a physical connection derived from crazy, passionate sexual exploration, or a romantic walk in the park, firmly holding hands and admiring the sunset, feeling as ‘one’ and together in the world.

Perhaps a caring nature, a selfless accountability, doing so much for others that one’s partner absolutely worships the ground you walk upon, proud to be associated and be in love with someone held in great esteem. Proud to be the husband, wife, partner.

Psychology Today (PH.D., 2013) note a range of ten interesting facts, based on research, about people in love:

1. Love is different than passion or lust
2. Love is both a momentary feeling and a long-term state of mind.
3. Building lasting relationships takes work.
4. We can increase our capacity to love.
5. It's not just in your head.
6. If we focus on love, we can enhance it.
7. It is not a fixed quantity.
8. It is not unconditional.
9. It is contagious.
10. Love is not necessarily forever, but it can be.

Research of course can often be subjective, particularly so when trying to qualify and quantify emotions. And yet, if we take just one of the factors stated above, that it’s not ‘just in your head’ (noting the influences and levels of dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin), it is recognisable that how one ‘feels within the physical body is affected by the state of ‘being’ in love. The heart that flutters is not just a premise of the romantic authors.

Lennon, J., 1970. Love. [Sound Recording] (EMI).
PH.D., M. G., 2013. Psychology Today. [Online]
Available at: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mindful-self-express/201311/10-research-based-truths-about-people-in-love