Life will never be a smooth ride, and the fact is, nobody really wants it to be. Positives and negatives are both opposites but provide that balance; life as a flat trajectory would in most cases become very boring with little activity to lift the body, mind and soul.

But no one wants the huge ‘highs and lows’ of a rollercoaster. That would be too much to contemplate, and the reality of such an experience is a disproportionate sense of emotional well-being, so naturally unreachable that it delivers disappointment when those ‘highs are not achieved, and those lower depths when the heart sinks and one’ drops into the hell of desperation.

Such challenges will inevitably affect all relationships, and the success of weathering that storm depends upon the individual personalities, and the dynamics of the relationship that will simply survive or fail.

The successful ones will probably be those who manage to maintain an attraction to, and for, each other, incorporating fashion, look, smell, and presence combined with related compliments (as givers and receivers).

Sexual preferences will be unified, equal, considerate, healthy and regular, accepting that frequency is relative (three times per week might be the norm for some, every day for others).

Honesty, loyalty and trust will never be questioned. Any omission of such behaviours would probably lead to jealousy, perhaps driven too by a sense of insecurity. We only have to consider the acceptance of a partner knowing that their ‘other half’ is meeting a colleague for a drink. If honesty, trust and loyalty is evident, questions will not need to be asked. Interrogations will therefore only lead to an increasing sense that ‘something is wrong’, subsequently validating the mistrust.

Having a laugh, shared jokes, an ability to almost read each other’s minds, sometimes both ‘saying the same thing’ and answering for each other.

Goals, dreams, ambitions that are aligned, collectively entwined on the same journey, metaphorically holding hands (and physically whilst out walking) to support each other as life takes its’ ‘twists and turns’.

Good health, financial stability, a cooperative understanding that shares ideas, pragmatically and diplomatically discussing all the options, always being able to compromise within a model that ‘gives and takes’ in equal measure

A firm standing within society. No one is perfect but a greater sense of being valued and respected by others cements the partnership and compliments the bond. Most of us are social beings who need the unity of someone else, and facing the world as a collaborative couple will enhance the experience. That also includes acceptance and bonding across friends and family on both sides, a unity that is devoid of jealousies, disdain, intolerance, even rudeness.

Perhaps then, all these attributes, a melting pot of positive, affirming values, encapsulate what love is. They both compliment the journey, where ‘one and one’ really become two (not in just a mathematical sense but a merging of souls), and create over time a lifelong history that partners can look back on with almost an ethereal sense of endearment. Sometimes, even magical, especially if the couple is lucky and nothing in their lives has dented their togetherness.

Of course, this doesn’t suggest that all these factors are necessary to determine the fate of a relationship; inevitably it is dependent upon the individual and the dynamics that exist between them. Yet it is probably fair to say that on the flip side, if the majority are not evident, then the relationship will probably begin to fail.

Relatively, such a situation is defined by a drifting of the ways, something that leaves a feeling that love is starting to become distant. Love is not set in stone and is not guaranteed; when it disappears, most would claim that the feeling had just gone, as though it had melted into the night. The reality is that the subconscious is probably affected by any number of the positives aspects that have changed, and that inevitably has more of a connection in the development of individual personalities. Couples have to grow together and in the same direction, or face boundaries and in some cases, it is as though one has ‘fallen off a cliff’.

None of the above reflect the devastation of a relationship where the bond is broken by affairs, substance abuse, domestic violence, alcohol, criminal activity (many of which are interdependent). Bizarrely, couples can encounter such incidents and still be ‘in love’ - we only have to recognise the regularity of violence where the victim will remain with the perpetrator. Of course, there may be domestic and practical issues that make it difficult for someone to walk away, but often ‘but I still love him’ is used to justify and rationalise the continuation of the relationship. Love is certainly a strange emotion.

Perhaps the overall perspective is captured by Psychology Today (Mark Travers Ph.D, 2024) stating that a successful long-term relationship is one that has a love which is able to ‘weather the storms’, collectively maintaining an approach and discipline that has respect for each other coupled with trust and empathy. Coupled being the operative word.

However, the stubbornness of human nature can often become the obstacle to resolving personal differences, and that is where therapy can help. Of course, counselling is not ‘one size fits all’, nor be so structured that it doesn’t allow both a varied interpretation and implementation of therapeutic solutions. Essentially, a counsellor must always be aware of boundaries and ethical considerations. Yet a successful delivery that fully engages with clients is one that is empathic, appreciative, challenging and reflective of their world. This is particularly true of couples, where the re-enactment of their lives is essential for clients and counsellor to have a collaborative sense of the issues that are being faced. It is also crucial for the counselling room to become that safe space where partners can raise their fears, concerns, and innermost feelings.

The remit of the counsellor is to enable such a process by creating an environment where existing legacies are captured and presented as a yardstick, carefully avoiding them being used to antagonise what will already be a challenging situation. Post contracting, these ‘assumed failings’ will become the first stage on the counselling journey as it progresses from specific concerns, obvious blockages, and preconceived ideas.

It is probable that couples will be resistant to change and diplomatic reasoning, yet it is important to ensure that both parties fully appreciate that their counsellor is present not as a supporter of ‘one or the other’, but as a guiding advocate to help them both overcome the personal conflict that exists between them.

At this point it is useful to demonstrate in a language that clients understand the difference between thought and feeling. The counsellor can help by explaining the fact that thought, although sometimes beneficial in the heat of the moment (when retaliation can easily exacerbate tension) can also substitute true feeling and thus hide the emotional sense of who and what ‘one is’, which may only serve to maintain the wall that probably exists between them.

This is reflected in ‘differentiation’, (Counselling Tutor - Ratcliffe, 2025), that defines the importance of not only personal thought, feelings, wants and desires, but also the ability to exhibit an empathic understanding of one’s partner.

It is still worth explaining that a considered approach may, in a positive sense, prevent the delivery of the message becoming more important than the content (worth noting at this juncture that often it is not what is ‘said’ but how) especially if all that is heard is the ‘noise’ of the confrontation – any attempt to mend the broken channels will struggle without a true sense of mutual understanding that feelings will help to generate. But of course, this then carries the risk that true feelings are not shared.

It is crucial therefore for the counsellor to introduce a level of serenity, a platform where voices are heard in a respectful manner, that facial expression and non-verbal actions – the subtle demonstration of hand gestures, the slight nods of the head, sometimes even those raised eyebrows – are established, replicated, questioned and defined for meaning, both as a measure of sincerity and a core of feeling that originates not just from the heart, but also the gut.

Mark Travers Ph.D, 2024. Psychology Today. [Online]
Available at: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/social-instincts/202407/4-factors-that-determine-how-long-relationship-will-last
[Accessed 7 July 2026].

Counselling Tutor - Ratcliffe, C., 2025. Introducing Relationship Therapy. s.l.:s.n.