The memory never left him, re-emerging like a malignant tumour, and he often reflected on the moment that she had told him on that cold, grey afternoon. It was an episode so overwhelming and debilitating that it felt as though the encounter had taken place only the day before. Not surprising then that it soon became his legacy, an unforgiving and foreboding sense of dread cascading like an apocalyptic mushroom cloud, a fallout of emotional angst that radiated throughout his formative years and left him mentally scarred for life.

Such was the traumatic change, his young mind subconsciously sucked into a bubble where the longevity of existence became squeezed by a narrow time frame that defined his being and sporadically brought back tearful recollections. A world that had no joy, tormented on a journey of repetitive circles and catastrophic moments from which he tumbled without forgiveness, only to become submerged in a black hole where he was forever the prisoner, never mentally aging, a victim of depression captured in time.

He stumbled on, teenage years sinking towards adulthood when insecurity continued to rock his foundations, the look in the mirror that only reflected his pain. Often tortured by stumbled conversations, withdrawn encounters and hiding himself in clothes chosen to suppress the way he looked, a limited confidence in both his presentation to others and frustrated efforts to attain a sense of happiness. Adolescent engagements when the image of peers only served to heighten his melancholy, aggravated and despondent when recognising those who were sure of themselves at the start of their fulfilling migration into the freedoms of youth. He desired a melting pot of friendships, fulfilling work, utopian aspirations, loving and sexual relationships. All were conspicuous by quality, and indeed, absence, only fuelling his sense of dread and weakening his motivation.

Perhaps, had he known, had he realised, had those support mechanisms been in place, then that depression could have been lifted and he would have found then, a stable place in the world.

A recent review of 18 UK and international studies supported this conclusion that parental divorce was associated with an increased long-term risk of depression in their adult offspring (Sands et al 2017)” (Harry Benson; Stephen McKay, 2017)

Research has documented that parental divorce/separation is associated with an increased risk for child and adolescent adjustment problems, including academic difficulties (e.g., lower grades and school dropout), disruptive behaviours (e.g., conduct and substance use problems), and depressed mood. Offspring of divorced/separated parents are also more likely to engage in risky sexual behaviour, live in poverty, and experience their own family instability. Risk typically increases by a factor between 1.5 and 2. Still, most children whose parents divorce are resilient and exhibit no obvious psychological problems. It is important to recognize, however, that even resilient young people from divorced families often report painful feelings or encounters, such as worrying about events like graduations or weddings when both parents will be present.” (Brian D'Onofrio & Robert Emery, 2019)

The consequences of this can go in a couple of directions. They may copy this behaviour directly and learn to become fairly argumentative themselves, being quick to anger and defensiveness or refusing to listen to opinions contrary to their own. They may raise their voice a lot and come to see working out differences as a case of who wins, always trying to hold the upper hand in adult relationships rather than approach disagreements as a conversation or truly appreciate their partner's point of view. Alternatively, they may become very avoidant of conflict, so tired or even traumatised by their parents constant arguing that disagreements with other people may create a sense of real panic in them. They may shut off when they sense that an argument could be coming, as an adult freezing their partner out or just refusing to engage point blank.” (Relate, n.d.)

Frequent, intense and poorly resolved conflict between parents can place children at risk of mental health issues, and behavioural, social and academic problems. It can also have a significant effect on a child’s long-term outcomes. There is a strong body of evidence to show how damaging inter-parental conflict can harm children’s outcomes (even when parents manage to sustain positive parent-child relationship), put children at more risk of having problems with school and learning, negative peer relationships, physical health problems, smoking and substance misuse and mental health and wellbeing challenges. The risks can also have an effect on long-term life outcomes such as poor future relationship chances, reduced academic attainment, lower employability, heightened interpersonal violence, and depression and anxiety. Evidence on the impact of parental conflict on children shows that where a child lives with both parents in the same household, more than 1 in 10 (12%) children have at least one parent who reports relationship distress. Previous research (2017) identified that children living in workless families are twice as likely to experience parental conflict than in families where both parents are in work”. (Gov.UK, 2021)

Eventually, time became the salvation, a gradual emergence and he became, by default and circumstance, a new man. And yet, sometimes still scared of confrontation, reflecting on those raised voices that reminded him of too many toxic encounters when parents confronted each other across the dining room table, a raise of the hand and verbal assignations. Those frightening experiences when only the cotton wool in his ears could try and suppress the violence. Sometimes, he wondered why? And then, the evidence of the theorists and their research, primarily fulfilling an academic purpose yet morphing into an antidote, came to the fore. Not just statement’s, not mere opinions, not just academics determined to explain cause and effect, but validation. It wasn’t his fault, and that basis became his saving grace and slowly, but surely, his depression lifted like the morning sun raising from the dark and lighting up the sky. His sky!